Overall, there is no detail, no character, no foreplay, no relationship.READERReport 2007-03-12 16:50:18It’s written like an excited child talks… Work on that, and fix it, then repost it after you do a bit of planningREADERReport 2007-03-12 04:45:26make it longer and it would of been ok. Xxx 1/10«12» Overall, there is no detail, no character, no foreplay, no relationship.READERReport 2007-03-12 16:50:18It’s written like an excited child talks… That sentence summarizes all of the problems that this story has. 7 comments«12»READERReport 2007-03-13 19:03:32that was grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr8tREADERReport 2007-03-13 04:36:14while the other comments have some truth in them eg short, rambling, no foreplay etc. It did have an instant sence of urgency and raw sexual passion about it which some of the longer stories often lack.READERReport 2007-03-12 22:27:42After while John started yelling im going to cum i stop sucking him and he came all over my face i loved it.
